I sat looking out the window that morning. It was a beautiful day, I remember it so well. It was the first the sun had shone in two weeks. In my head, thoughts raced. I didn’t want to convince myself I had made a decision, though within the core of my heart, I knew I was going to do it.

Being the last child in a family of 5, it was natural for all attention to be on me, or so I thought. But I struggled each day to make myself visible to all. I did not exist. Mum and dad were overly preoccupied with the twins, Sasha and Suzy, they were perfect. They had everything I could ever dream of. They were beautiful, perfect grades in school, the best of friends, they were everybody’s favourites, and were extremely loved, I felt. I silently competed with them, I was a shadow of myself. With slow songs I kept myself company, the other kids made mockery of me. I was fat, my legs were terribly knuckled, and I wore braces, my grades were bad. Patiently, I waited for an opportunity to leave home.

My first year at Uni wasn’t great. Such freedom I had never known, I could go where I wanted, and do what I so pleased, but I wasn’t excited. I still got the stares and chuckles. It was really intimidating. Each day I wished something terrible would happen to me, I was a loner. It was in this state I met Keller, such a young vibrant guy he was. My insecurities did not exist with him. He was fun to be with, and I really liked him. For the first time, someone truly accepted me. Keller had an addiction, he called it brown sugar, it was his little secret. He said it was the reason he always was happy, that it made him forget every care in this life. I believed him, it sounded good to me, but I needed time to make up my mind, Keller was in no hurry.

That very morning, I had made a decision, so, I tried it. Brown sugar was shy of every description Keller had given. I floated on cloud nine, the rush, indescribable. My confidence shot up like a rocket.  I smiled at all who passed by, I was extremely happy, I felt like a different being in my body. It felt great, so I continued.

Day and night, I continued. The feeling was ecstatic, nothing could compare. I felt invincible. I didn’t care anymore what anyone thought. 

Then the news came, Keller was withdrawn from school for a reason I never got to know of. It was such a blow, it was so hard for me. He was the best friend I had never had. More than anything else, I missed him. I took solace in the only thing I could call a friend, I took solace in brown sugar. It understood me, and was always there for me. Gradually my life became a wretch, I couldn’t go on without it. I struggled with my academics, it was tough.

It’s been four years since I dropped out of school. Life has had no meaning for me. My insecurities and self-worth are at a terrible low. I’ve been in and out of rehab. I am at the verge of giving up, I know not what again to do. I’m stuck, I’m tired of the heroin, I’m sick of this addiction, it has not helped take away the deep insecurities I feel. The lady at the centre, she said you are the only one who can help. So I’ve come to you, please help me. 

So Jesus, this is my story. My name is Melvin, I am 19 years old.

With tears flowing freely, Melvin signed off the long letter he had written, hoping his answer comes quickly.

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